I remember being an outgoing, smart kid who loved life and loved to laugh. I was the baby of a very large, blended family. We spent our days running errands, shopping and me getting special treats while my older brothers and sisters were at school. I was spoiled and content. This changed at the very early age of five when I entered kindergarten. The attack on my self- esteem and self- worth came into play and grew into something that almost destroyed me.
Prior to starting kindergarten, I thought I was beautiful and worthy of good things, but the ugly seed of self- loathing and low self-esteem was planted in school. I endured teasing and bullying, as a lot of kids do. However, the negative words took root in my life and were further cultivated throughout my school years. I began to feel ugly and unwanted.
At the age of nine, I was being molested by a close family member who also lived in my household. This abuse went on for a few years. I didn’t speak up because I didn’t want him to get in trouble, even though I hated what was being done to me. I thought somehow I deserved the abuse. The seed of rejection and not being good enough grew from this. I wrestled with guilt and shame that would follow me into my adult years. I am church kid and I spent a lot of time in church participating in the normal activities: singing in the choir, ushering, acting in plays, and hanging out with my friends. However, the seed of rejection was continuously being watered by not feeling good enough and seemingly having no talents or gifts.
Someone in authority spoke a word over me and told me I was cursed due to disobedience. I was about ten or eleven years of age. Those words took root and I believed every time something bad happened to me, it was because I was cursed and God was not pleased with me. I was extremely self-conscious and tried to stay in the background so as to not draw attention to myself. On the inside I felt hopeless. At the tender age of 12, I felt that death was better than living and I made my first suicide attempt. I took some pain pills hoping to never wake up; however, they just put me in a deep sleep and I remember waking up feeling groggy. To God be the glory, the suicide attempt did not work.
Let’s fast forward to my young adult life. I got pregnant out of wedlock, got married and separated in under two years. Later on we divorced. I was suddenly thrust into single motherhood with a mountain of debt, and a child with a learning disability. These circumstances brought on great depression and despair. I felt defeated in every area of my life. I still showed up to church to serve, but inside I was completely broken. I felt as if I was cursed and God didn’t love me.
At the age of 29, I stood in my kitchen at my wits end ready to end it all. The cares of life had weighed me down to the point of defeat once again. My hopes of life getting better seemed like something that would never happen. I remember standing with a large knife in my hand ready to take my life and inflict further pain upon myself. In the next moments, a calm came over me and peace that can only be described as the presence of God. I dropped the knife in the sink, cried out to God to help me and from that day forward, through all of the ups and downs, I have never felt that level of despair again. I decided I wouldn’t let anything or anyone bring me to the point of despair.
The enemy targeted me at such a young age in order to tear me down in every area so that I would not be a bold soldier for Jesus Christ. But God! He had a purpose and a plan for my life, even when I didn’t see it. He allowed me to get a college education, become an Evangelist, a Certified Life Coach, and a published Author.
Although my life was filled with much pain and misery, I was always the voice of reason and advisor for my friends and some of my family. I have been blessed and gifted with wisdom and insight. While I spent much of my life looking for my life’s purpose, I found that I was already walking in it. My treasures had been hidden in the circumstances of my life.
I have since coached numerous individuals and have shared my testimony in my book Hidden Treasures Revealing What Life’s Been Concealing which can be found on Amazon, Walmart or Barnes & Nobles. What the enemy designed to destroy me, God used it to catapult me into purpose. My favorite testimony and my favorite scripture is Romans 8:28, “And we know that ALL things work together for good to them that love God, to them who are the called according to His purpose.”